"sick and tired"

It is profoundly hard to actually do what is supposed to be easy: be childlike in faith.
For a man growing up in this world, it is profoundly hard.
I know I am suffering this because I judged other people instead of sympathizing with them. It does me no good to push away the proverbial plate of what life is dishing out to me. It is hard to "shut up and take it". It is hard sometimes to fear God enough to do what He says. Especially because you think "Forgive me." and then you think everythings okay.
But its not okay.
Just because God forgives me doesn't mean everything's okay. He has a purpose in forgiving me.
I'm just tired of running circles, my God, I have wished for life to go so far away; that the next day should not come, (but it came) and I am tired of pretending. God is right. I do not now nor have I have "had the stuff" of champions. It is only He who can deposit that. It has been my own self-righteous attitude, my desire to declare my own goodness - or OUR goodness, at least giving Him some glory - but now I see that I cannot declare my own goodness, for if I declare anything about myself, I declare not the treasure hidden within, but rather the oven-hardened pottery the treasure is hidden in.
I mean, I knew it before, and I know it now, but somehow I understand it now... but I also know that I could "unlearn" it, too. King Nebuchadnezzar went through such an experience being the King of Babylon:
He was made to be like a beast for seven years, his nails and hair growing long and disgusting like an eagle's until he learned that there is a God in heaven and that power is given to whomever God in heaven chooses to give it.
Then, after he learned, he gave glory to God. End of story; he learned his lesson, right? Wrong.
Later, he was tricked by his "enchanter" officials who were jealous of the glory on Daniel's life (who gave all the glory to God) to make an idol that looked like himself and ordered everyone to worship it and no other God for I have to give the things in my life to God. If not, like now, I will have so many things in my life that are undesirable. If I judge people, I will have those disgusting, hateful habits from those dead people in my life.