"sick and tired"

It is profoundly hard to actually do what is supposed to be easy: be childlike in faith.
For a man growing up in this world, it is profoundly hard.
I know I am suffering this because I judged other people instead of sympathizing with them. It does me no good to push away the proverbial plate of what life is dishing out to me. It is hard to "shut up and take it". It is hard sometimes to fear God enough to do what He says. Especially because you think "Forgive me." and then you think everythings okay.
But its not okay.
Just because God forgives me doesn't mean everything's okay. He has a purpose in forgiving me.
I'm just tired of running circles, my God, I have wished for life to go so far away; that the next day should not come, (but it came) and I am tired of pretending. God is right. I do not now nor have I have "had the stuff" of champions. It is only He who can deposit that. It has been my own self-righteous attitude, my desire to declare my own goodness - or OUR goodness, at least giving Him some glory - but now I see that I cannot declare my own goodness, for if I declare anything about myself, I declare not the treasure hidden within, but rather the oven-hardened pottery the treasure is hidden in.
I mean, I knew it before, and I know it now, but somehow I understand it now... but I also know that I could "unlearn" it, too. King Nebuchadnezzar went through such an experience being the King of Babylon:
He was made to be like a beast for seven years, his nails and hair growing long and disgusting like an eagle's until he learned that there is a God in heaven and that power is given to whomever God in heaven chooses to give it.
Then, after he learned, he gave glory to God. End of story; he learned his lesson, right? Wrong.
Later, he was tricked by his "enchanter" officials who were jealous of the glory on Daniel's life (who gave all the glory to God) to make an idol that looked like himself and ordered everyone to worship it and no other God for I have to give the things in my life to God. If not, like now, I will have so many things in my life that are undesirable. If I judge people, I will have those disgusting, hateful habits from those dead people in my life.

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Working out helps your intellect. You wouldn't think it, but it does. Sometimes I've been tortured over not understanding something, or many things, for days and weeks! Then, I've gone running, and all of a sudden, everything makes sense for a moment! Then I get stupid and try to start figuring everything out again and it doesn't work - again - and I get so pissed off! Its a vicious cycle.

But I know better now. Now, I'll just relax and "rejoice in my portion" rather than "being confused". I hate being confined and known, but I just am - God is the infinite, but I am just a man, and I'm okay with that - spiritually, physically, etc.

I am not going to get stupid or anything, but you notice the women working out and its a spiritual exercise to put the devil under your feet, too. It's great. You think, "The LORD is watching and He says that that leads to death, so devil get under my feet", and the devil has to flee. It's really good. Sometimes I get the feeling that God wants me to have a wife, but I am smarter than that now, too. I'm not going to wait for God to "lead" me to do anything ever again. I am just going to do whatever I want and do it the best I know how to the best of my ability - that's it.

Maybe the reason for all my failures in God was because of pride and trying to be a bigshot, like going to the gym, trying to lift a ton of weight, and never getting anywhere, because you can't lift that, and then you stay skinny and unmuscular (hmm... how would I know anything about that?)

Jesus, I am so found-out.

Sometimes thinking isn't good. It's where I used to meet with the Lord, but that relationship is over. Maybe God will find a new way to communicate with me, because He loves me, but my mind is too emotional, I think. I always think, "The hour is late, the Lord is returning soon, and I am not ready or close enough to Him." I love Jesus, but I don't know how to love Him. I feel like a fool, like an idiot for even trying. So now I will just go about my daily business, working on my daily regular necessities regardless of whether I feel Him near or whatever. He will do whatever He wants, and so will I. That's the only thing I can figure can work - and I didn't even have to "figure" it. Whatever.

The only danger is the blow to my ego in case it actually works - oh, watch out, Daniel, you're going to die the death prescribed by God, you just might succeed!
The blow to his ego? Yes, the blow to my ego - why, I'll tell you : because if I am not "worshipping God or doing something to EARN God's presence, then it's FREE, and that is like... what... this good thing... free? ... No... it can't be... I know I have to do something... "

Whatever, I'll tell you if it works. No laws here, just pure spirit.

Peace!

Fresh Bread

There are so many lies and half-truths out there concerning God - many outside and many inside the called-out ones, I have to voice the truth about the coming events on Earth. That is why I am making this website.